Trying to be a housewife, and kind of failing.

As I'm settling into married life I find myself astounded by all the things my mom was able to do when we were growing up. She didn't always work, but when she was capable of it and started working days, she managed to make dinner every night, bake for us, do our laundry and keep the house clean.

I'm finding if I manage to do one of those things, the others are moot -- there is no way I'm going to make it to them. If I make dinner, I might be able to do some laundry but that's it.

The weirdest part is, I'm enjoying all this house-wifey stuff. The cooking, the baking, the groceries, all of it. I think I'd actually be content being a stay-home wife, writing full time and just taking care of things. I hate that my house is a mess and I want it to be cleaned, but it's hard to do that in the middle of renovations.

Anyways, it's an adjustment, but I like it. Now all I need is to figure out how to fit everything in one day, and I'll be good!

Sugar cookies *almost* fail!

This year was the first year I was expected to bring stuff to our family Thanksgiving dinner. Being married now means of course contributing because I can't claim that I'm broke and mom and dad have to pay for everything anyways for me.

My contributions were to be pretty simple. A veggie platter (which I am magnificent at making) and pumpkin pie. I was a little torn about the pumpkin pie. I wanted to try making one, but I am terrible at baking and have never baked a pie in my life. I couldn't find any of the pre-made shells anywhere and I didn't want to butcher the pie for Thanksgiving, so I decided to buy one and bake cookies instead. 

The plan was to make little pumpkins with carved faces on them, but apparently the icing decorating tips they sell beside the tubes of icing are not the right sized ones, so I had to settle for just orange pumpkins.

Apparently, I have problems with even the simplest of baking. I decided to go with sugar cookies because they are the easiest to make. Of course easy for me means three and a half hours later. 

The first batch, I burnt. Apparently, my oven is hotter than what the one used in the recipe is, and so I couldn't use those ones for other people.

They weren't absolutely terrible, but I didn't feel right giving them to my landlords or our family. So I went ahead and made another batch. 

The second problem was I don't have a rolling pin. Something I should have thought of before I started making cookies, but I didn't think of it until after the dough was on the waxed paper and I was trying to figure out how to flatten it. So I grabbed a giant, somewhat round glass pasta jar and used that.

It worked pretty well, though I still had to pound out the ridges it made.

The cookie cutter worked awesome, and an hour and a half later I was ready to start icing them. I accidentally made brown icing instead of orange, so I had to throw out the first batch and start all over again.

Eventually, I got them all iced with the right colour icing and left them all out so the icing sugar could harden.

The result was these okay looking cookies. They're not brilliant, but hey, they turned out and people thought they tasted good! And that's what counts right?

The big faith struggle

As I mentioned earlier, things have been really rough lately. Financially, career-wise, everything, and my faith has taken a hit harder than it has taken in a very, very long time.

Tonight, it took a turn for the worst. I haven't been able to trust God or to believe and hope that He will help us through any of this. I've been trying, but I just can't. I can't even utter the words in a song or a prayer 'I trust in You' because I know they're not true. 

And then, hubby had the chance for full time at work. The church was praying for him, our families were praying for him. And I thought, baby steps, I can do this. So I trusted, and I prayed, and I believed. Hubby found out today that the department manager chose him, but was overruled because the other applicant had been working for the company longer.

I shattered. Completely.

I spent twenty minutes screaming about how trusting in God is stupidity and that God's not going to help us out. About how God isn't going to provide for us, and how I've waited 6 years for God to help me and get me on the right path and it hasn't happened. How we've trusted for two years that God would bring hubby full-time work and every opportunity that has presented itself has resulted in the door being slammed in our faces. 

Thus far, I was just hurt. Hurt and broken. But now I'm angry. And what makes me even angrier is that no-one seems to really understand or wants to really understand or help me. I've spoken to a few Christian mentors, and they've all had the same answer 'Oh, just have faith dear and it will work out. Get over that hurdle by giving it over to God'. If it were that simple, or if I was capable of resolving it by doing that, I would have done it already.

I feel so alone, and I feel like there is no where to go or to get help. I can pray to God, but I can't bring myself to wait and listen to his reply. My heart stops in fear every time I think about going into His word, because I'm terrified of getting hurt again. I'm terrified that if my hopes are taken from me again, I won't be able to recover from it. 

I don't know what to do, and I wish someone would stand up and help me instead of just preaching at me.

Creamed Brussels sprouts...

So I figured I should take a break from all this depressing stuff and share one of my new favourite recipes. I definitely screwed this one up a bit when I made it, but it was still amazing.

I was browsing the Canadian Living website on the weekend, when I came across this recipe. I love Brussels Sprouts, and am always interested in finding new ways to cook them.

Unfortunately, I was missing a few of the key ingredients, like shallots, enough sprouts, and the proper percentage of cream. And I kind of forgot to adjust the recipe to match how many sprouts I did have, but the result was absolutely amazing. I don't think I've ever had Brussels Sprouts that tasted so good.

The recipe was fairly simple, and required minimal ingredients.

• 1 tbsp (15 mL) butter
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 shallots, thinly sliced
• 900 g Brussels sprouts, trimmed and thinly sliced lengthwise
• 1/2 cup (125 mL) sodium-reduced chicken broth, or vegetable broth
• 2/3 cup (150 mL) whipping cream, (35%)
• 1/2 tsp (2 mL) each salt and pepper

Preparation was pretty simple as well. It took a little longer to make than what the directions said, I found, but it still didn't take too long. I worked on cutting the sprouts and prepping the rest of the ingredients while the 'shallots' (I used onions) and broth simmered. 

Instructions:

In Dutch oven or large skillet, heat butter over medium heat; cook garlic and shallots, stirring often, until fragrant and shallots are softened, about 2 minutes. Add brussels sprouts and broth; cook, stirring often, until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in cream, salt and pepper; cook, stirring, until reduced and brussels sprouts are tender, about 3 minutes.

Being a wife means sharing, and that's not easy for me.

Not sharing things. Things, stuff and money are easy for me to share.

Feelings, on the other hand, are a different story. I'm a bottler. I keep everything inside and even the few people I do confide in never really get the full depth of everything. One of my best friends once told me that even with how much I tell her, I'm still very closed. That sometimes, she can't read me, despite how open I think I'm being.

I'd like to think I'm better at that now. That I can share things with my close friends without being closed off and careful. But I'm still cautious as to who sees that.

Telling my husband feelings is hard. We had a talk once after we got engaged about how I don't say what I'm feeling, or tell him how I feel about him a lot. He is the exact opposite. Heart on his sleeve, tell you how he feels and his emotions without a second thought.

As a couple, we need to share how we're feeling. Not just because communication is necessary to make a relationship work, but because if we're to operate as a whole, if we're to support each other and be a strong force against the world, we need to be willing to let each other in.

And like I said, I'm not good at that. I'm the type of person who has to be strong, has to be brave, and has to keep it from the world that she's scared. That she's terrified. Like I said last night, people don't know.

So when hubby got home last night, I did something I'm still learning how to do. I told him what was going on. He knew something was wrong, because I broke down at church and hid in the washroom to cry. And when he came home, I was crying again.

It was hard. But I did it. And he was so loving and strong and supportive.

Marriage isn't going to be easy. But I think I'm learning one step at a time.

Truth be told, I'm kind of scared...

While the government may continue to try and deny that we are in a recession and that there is no job shortage, the truth is pretty apparent. Full time jobs are diminishing as companies close their doors, or move towards more temp contracts and part-time positions to avoid paying out benefits. 

I suppose some people would tell me to suck it up, that I had a job and should have been more grateful. But having someone knock me down to only 7 hours a week for an unforseen period of time, being verbally abused and sacrificing my mental health wasn't worth it. 

The hardest part of all of that was watching my dreams and everything I worked for over the 9 months dissipate and be flushed down the drains.

But that still isn't the hardest part.

Hubby and I have been struggling financially since the wedding. With his part time hours, and my part time hours, getting by has been tough. And as much as that has sucked, I was okay. Sure, we were living paycheck to paycheck, but we were getting by and that's okay.

Now is a completely different story, and it's terrifying. We knew it would be tight for the couple of weeks I was without work. But paychecks haven't been coming, and in six weeks I've brought in a whopping $400. Now, there's a chance my first pay from my contract job might be delayed until the following payday, three weeks from now. And things are tight. Tight enough that I'm not sure if we're going to be able to pay our bills this month.

And I'm having the hardest time trusting in God right now. My faith was shaken after things went sour at work. And as things continue to get more difficult, I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know if we're going to be okay. I don't know if we're going to make it.

I'm so scared. And I haven't admitted that to anyone. 

New beginnings...

I suppose it's a little amusing that only a few days after I shut down my former blog, I decided to forge ahead and start a new one.

I didn't end my other blog because of a lack of things to say. In terms of how much I want to write and blog, I have hundreds of blog ideas floating around in my head. The problem was that the followers I had, the people who were there on my blog didn't sign on to read what I was going to be blogging about. That blog was about discovering who I was, all my nerdy stuff, and adventures of being single and then trying to find love.

But that's not where I'm at anymore. The things I want to post about more often than not are about my married life, and house stuff; cooking and faith and being a wife. The geeky stuff will still be there, but not as much. And to me, that wasn't fair to the people who were following my blog before.

So here's to a fresh start. A new journey and a life moving forward.

I'm not where I ever that I would be at this point in my life, but that's okay. Because it's all part of the adventure, the ups, the downs, the best moments and the worst.

In the last year, since posting on my old blog died down, I've found a new career dream and pushed after it full throttle, gotten married, watched that career and all my dreams be crushed in front of me, learned that I am a fantastic cook, and started setting up my first home the way I like it.

I've met up with other bloggers who have become my best friends, found new friends in people I knew long ago and learned how to be comfortable in my own skin.

Who knows where this will take me. But wherever it is, I'm sure it will be great.