The post where I talk about my cat.

A couple of months ago, we started noticing a drastic change in Mara's behaviour. She cuddled with us less, she was more violent, getting into trouble more -- everything changed.

She used to cuddle with us at least once a day, and she has cuddled a grand total of twice with me in two months.

We couldn't figure it out for the longest time, and I didn't feel like looking at any of those cat whisperer things or anything. She's our pet, it shouldn't be that difficult to figure out.

So I started mentally mapping out the changes around here that happened about the time the acting out started. There were the renos - which weren't big, but enough to interrupt her living space. I went from being home all the time, to being gone, and Scott wasn't home much either, but I didn't think those were it. They could have been part of the reason, but something bigger had to be the cause.

That's when I realized it was a couple of months ago we started locking her up at night. She used to sleep in our bedroom at night (we close the door), but she had started getting too active at bed time and was tearing out room apart.

I managed to convince Scott to start letting her stay out and to leave our bedroom door open. The first two nights, she was quiet but stayed in the living room. The third night and last night, she slept with us. The last two days, she's come to cuddle with me three times on the couch, and she's been a little less of a brat during the day.

So, I doubt that everything is solved, but it's nice to have a cuddly, wonderful cat again rather than a demon kitty.

Stepping past the mediocre.

I've spent my life feeling like I was less than mediocre. I was the kid who the entire class picked on. I was bullied, I always came in second place for competitions, and though I got great grades, I was never the smartest kid. 

I don't remember really being told that I'm special, or really talented in much of anything growing up. Until I started to write, and started to lead. Against all odds, I decided to pursue my writing and try to find ways to pursue my leadership. 

I was knocked down time and time again. No matter how much I excelled at any job, I was never good enough. No matter how great my writing was, I was never recognized.

There was a moment I was ready to give up. To give up everything I spent my life working towards. If I had never really been seen as good enough before, what would really be different now? Was I really that great, or had people just told me that for a while because they knew there wasn't anything I was great at.

And then, when all hope was lost, a wonderful woman from my church took me aside and told me that she felt God was telling her that my dreams were going to come true soon. I held onto it, even though by that point I couldn't even remember what my actual dream was. Somewhere, along the crash I had experienced, I lost sight of what I wanted. I questioned everything.

But I needed something to hold on to. So I did. 

November hit, and NaNoWriMo started, and I found myself longing to write again. I'd be at work, clicking away on that boring data entry, and my mind would drift to writing. To telling people's stories. To articles I could be writing about the interesting, important and heart warming things going on in this town.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a phone call. A job offer, at our local newspaper. I hadn't even known for sure that it was an offer yet, it was just a phone call, asking me to come in and talk. My heart leapt, and I knew what my answer was going to be. Hubby agreed, that there was no need for discussion.

My biggest regret from the past year was turning down the position when it was offered to me in April. I wasn't about to make that mistake again.

The last few weeks I've been juggling the end of my data entry job with the reporter position. It's been hard, draining and a struggle. But I'm happier than I have been in a while. I feel accomplished. I feel like I've found my heart and soul again.

Because the truth is, I'm not mediocre. I'm good at what I do, and it's time I started using that.  

Say what you will, Madonna is empowering...

I've been watching Glee lately, and an episode came on about Madonna, and the reason they were choosing to honour her because of the sense of empowerment she gives.

Say what you will about her morality, her sanity and anything else, but the show had a point. Madonna's music inspires confidence and beauty. It makes you feel like you have value, like you are worth something.

Madonna has set the standard for so many different things in the music industry. She continuously reinvented herself because she could, because that's who she is. Wild, spontaneous and accepting of herself as she is. 

When I think back to the iconic songs that have really moved me, that have impacted me, and that I fall back to, I can easily say that the majority are in fact Madonna songs.

I can remember after my first real break-up, while Sheryl Crow and Three Days Grace were my cry my eyes out songs, Frozen by Madonna was the song that would remind me that someday, my heart might love again. 

Whenever things get really bad, Like a Prayer is the song that picks me back up and keeps me hanging on. 

But, if I could pick one song, one song to be my soundtrack, I can truthfully say that Jump is the song that empowers me. It's the song that has always and will always remind me that if I don't take a leap of faith, if I don't try, then I'll never actually go anywhere. 

I blast the song before every interview, I blast it when I start to forget who I am. It reminds me who I am, it grounds me, and it reminds me that I have plenty to be confident about. 

So Madonna, thank you. Thank you for giving the music that would be the soundtrack to many of our lives and push us forward. I may prefer Indie Rock and Alt Rock, but your music will always be the stuff that pushes me forward.

Getting our home in order, one item at a time.

Although hubby and I moved our stuff into our apartment in March, it's still not unpacked nor fully set up the way we want it. The delay at first was because of the wedding -- we unpacked what he needed to live there, and what I needed to prep for the wedding, and that was it.

After the wedding, things were just too busy, and by the time I had time, renovations were going on (for an entirely stupid reason), and it wasn't worth unpacking the rest. 

But now, the renovations are done, which means we can finally start getting things finished. The biggest problem we're facing is that we really don't have enough storage space. Our kitchen cupboards are limited, and aside from our two wardrobes that the landlords got us (there are no closets in our basement apartment, and the wardrobes are just big enough for each of us to use one) and two small cupboards in the laundry room, there isn't really storage of any kind. 

In a way I suppose it's a good thing, because it means a lot of junk will have to be thrown out, but it makes it difficult to try and sort and put things away when there is nowhere to put the stuff that you don't yet have the space to put away.

That being said, it's finally coming together. The living room is almost done, and our once stuffed full office only has a small amount of boxes left to be unpacked. It's looking more like a home and less like just an apartment. And even though it's taking a while, it feels nice to have something that we are building and developing together. A place that we can call home instead of just thinking of it as a temporary stepping stone. 

Eventually, I'll post some pictures once our home gets fully cozied up and stuffs, but for now, I just have to say we're getting there.

It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've posted, partially due to busyness and partially due to not knowing what to say. I felt like I was starting to beat a dead horse with my posts about my struggles, and chances are, I was.

Despite everything though, I found myself moved by the kindness of strangers -- of people, some of you on this blog, some from other places, who reached out and prayed for me and offered words of encouragement. Some didn't know my situation, others knew brief points of it, but yet stills, prayers were there without judgement.

One of the things that continues to amaze me about God and about the depth of His love for us is that even when we do not have faith, He still continues to provide and come through for us. My depression started to lift about a month ago. I went from crying myself to sleep every night to not having broken down in tears of desperation in weeks. 

I hit rock bottom about a month ago. I called my mom, and just didn't know what to do, what to think, how to get out of it. I felt trapped, strangled, stuck. My mom reminded me at that point that God still believes in us, even when we do not have faith in Him - His strength, His support, and His love are not restricted by our inability to return those gifts.

A week or so ago, I noticed that my anger towards God had begun to fade. I can't say I ever blamed Him for everything, but I was furious with Him for not doing anything about it. During that conversation with my mother, she pointed out something I hadn't considered, something that explained that anger and the depths that I had sunk to. 

With everything I've gone through over the last six years, I've always plowed through, hanging onto God and trusting that He would carry me through and things would work out. And then the last two years were like one swift blow of the hammer followed by the next. One after another. I stood strong, and I stood strong, and then after the last several blows, I crumbled. And when I crumbled, all the pain I had never dealt with, all the hurts and the fears triggered by the last six years finally caught up to me, making everything that much worse.

It's been a long journey, and it's going to continue to be one. But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way back. 

Trying to be a housewife, and kind of failing.

As I'm settling into married life I find myself astounded by all the things my mom was able to do when we were growing up. She didn't always work, but when she was capable of it and started working days, she managed to make dinner every night, bake for us, do our laundry and keep the house clean.

I'm finding if I manage to do one of those things, the others are moot -- there is no way I'm going to make it to them. If I make dinner, I might be able to do some laundry but that's it.

The weirdest part is, I'm enjoying all this house-wifey stuff. The cooking, the baking, the groceries, all of it. I think I'd actually be content being a stay-home wife, writing full time and just taking care of things. I hate that my house is a mess and I want it to be cleaned, but it's hard to do that in the middle of renovations.

Anyways, it's an adjustment, but I like it. Now all I need is to figure out how to fit everything in one day, and I'll be good!

Sugar cookies *almost* fail!

This year was the first year I was expected to bring stuff to our family Thanksgiving dinner. Being married now means of course contributing because I can't claim that I'm broke and mom and dad have to pay for everything anyways for me.

My contributions were to be pretty simple. A veggie platter (which I am magnificent at making) and pumpkin pie. I was a little torn about the pumpkin pie. I wanted to try making one, but I am terrible at baking and have never baked a pie in my life. I couldn't find any of the pre-made shells anywhere and I didn't want to butcher the pie for Thanksgiving, so I decided to buy one and bake cookies instead. 

The plan was to make little pumpkins with carved faces on them, but apparently the icing decorating tips they sell beside the tubes of icing are not the right sized ones, so I had to settle for just orange pumpkins.

Apparently, I have problems with even the simplest of baking. I decided to go with sugar cookies because they are the easiest to make. Of course easy for me means three and a half hours later. 

The first batch, I burnt. Apparently, my oven is hotter than what the one used in the recipe is, and so I couldn't use those ones for other people.

They weren't absolutely terrible, but I didn't feel right giving them to my landlords or our family. So I went ahead and made another batch. 

The second problem was I don't have a rolling pin. Something I should have thought of before I started making cookies, but I didn't think of it until after the dough was on the waxed paper and I was trying to figure out how to flatten it. So I grabbed a giant, somewhat round glass pasta jar and used that.

It worked pretty well, though I still had to pound out the ridges it made.

The cookie cutter worked awesome, and an hour and a half later I was ready to start icing them. I accidentally made brown icing instead of orange, so I had to throw out the first batch and start all over again.

Eventually, I got them all iced with the right colour icing and left them all out so the icing sugar could harden.

The result was these okay looking cookies. They're not brilliant, but hey, they turned out and people thought they tasted good! And that's what counts right?

The big faith struggle

As I mentioned earlier, things have been really rough lately. Financially, career-wise, everything, and my faith has taken a hit harder than it has taken in a very, very long time.

Tonight, it took a turn for the worst. I haven't been able to trust God or to believe and hope that He will help us through any of this. I've been trying, but I just can't. I can't even utter the words in a song or a prayer 'I trust in You' because I know they're not true. 

And then, hubby had the chance for full time at work. The church was praying for him, our families were praying for him. And I thought, baby steps, I can do this. So I trusted, and I prayed, and I believed. Hubby found out today that the department manager chose him, but was overruled because the other applicant had been working for the company longer.

I shattered. Completely.

I spent twenty minutes screaming about how trusting in God is stupidity and that God's not going to help us out. About how God isn't going to provide for us, and how I've waited 6 years for God to help me and get me on the right path and it hasn't happened. How we've trusted for two years that God would bring hubby full-time work and every opportunity that has presented itself has resulted in the door being slammed in our faces. 

Thus far, I was just hurt. Hurt and broken. But now I'm angry. And what makes me even angrier is that no-one seems to really understand or wants to really understand or help me. I've spoken to a few Christian mentors, and they've all had the same answer 'Oh, just have faith dear and it will work out. Get over that hurdle by giving it over to God'. If it were that simple, or if I was capable of resolving it by doing that, I would have done it already.

I feel so alone, and I feel like there is no where to go or to get help. I can pray to God, but I can't bring myself to wait and listen to his reply. My heart stops in fear every time I think about going into His word, because I'm terrified of getting hurt again. I'm terrified that if my hopes are taken from me again, I won't be able to recover from it. 

I don't know what to do, and I wish someone would stand up and help me instead of just preaching at me.

Creamed Brussels sprouts...

So I figured I should take a break from all this depressing stuff and share one of my new favourite recipes. I definitely screwed this one up a bit when I made it, but it was still amazing.

I was browsing the Canadian Living website on the weekend, when I came across this recipe. I love Brussels Sprouts, and am always interested in finding new ways to cook them.

Unfortunately, I was missing a few of the key ingredients, like shallots, enough sprouts, and the proper percentage of cream. And I kind of forgot to adjust the recipe to match how many sprouts I did have, but the result was absolutely amazing. I don't think I've ever had Brussels Sprouts that tasted so good.

The recipe was fairly simple, and required minimal ingredients.

• 1 tbsp (15 mL) butter
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 shallots, thinly sliced
• 900 g Brussels sprouts, trimmed and thinly sliced lengthwise
• 1/2 cup (125 mL) sodium-reduced chicken broth, or vegetable broth
• 2/3 cup (150 mL) whipping cream, (35%)
• 1/2 tsp (2 mL) each salt and pepper

Preparation was pretty simple as well. It took a little longer to make than what the directions said, I found, but it still didn't take too long. I worked on cutting the sprouts and prepping the rest of the ingredients while the 'shallots' (I used onions) and broth simmered. 

Instructions:

In Dutch oven or large skillet, heat butter over medium heat; cook garlic and shallots, stirring often, until fragrant and shallots are softened, about 2 minutes. Add brussels sprouts and broth; cook, stirring often, until softened, about 5 minutes. Stir in cream, salt and pepper; cook, stirring, until reduced and brussels sprouts are tender, about 3 minutes.

Being a wife means sharing, and that's not easy for me.

Not sharing things. Things, stuff and money are easy for me to share.

Feelings, on the other hand, are a different story. I'm a bottler. I keep everything inside and even the few people I do confide in never really get the full depth of everything. One of my best friends once told me that even with how much I tell her, I'm still very closed. That sometimes, she can't read me, despite how open I think I'm being.

I'd like to think I'm better at that now. That I can share things with my close friends without being closed off and careful. But I'm still cautious as to who sees that.

Telling my husband feelings is hard. We had a talk once after we got engaged about how I don't say what I'm feeling, or tell him how I feel about him a lot. He is the exact opposite. Heart on his sleeve, tell you how he feels and his emotions without a second thought.

As a couple, we need to share how we're feeling. Not just because communication is necessary to make a relationship work, but because if we're to operate as a whole, if we're to support each other and be a strong force against the world, we need to be willing to let each other in.

And like I said, I'm not good at that. I'm the type of person who has to be strong, has to be brave, and has to keep it from the world that she's scared. That she's terrified. Like I said last night, people don't know.

So when hubby got home last night, I did something I'm still learning how to do. I told him what was going on. He knew something was wrong, because I broke down at church and hid in the washroom to cry. And when he came home, I was crying again.

It was hard. But I did it. And he was so loving and strong and supportive.

Marriage isn't going to be easy. But I think I'm learning one step at a time.

Truth be told, I'm kind of scared...

While the government may continue to try and deny that we are in a recession and that there is no job shortage, the truth is pretty apparent. Full time jobs are diminishing as companies close their doors, or move towards more temp contracts and part-time positions to avoid paying out benefits. 

I suppose some people would tell me to suck it up, that I had a job and should have been more grateful. But having someone knock me down to only 7 hours a week for an unforseen period of time, being verbally abused and sacrificing my mental health wasn't worth it. 

The hardest part of all of that was watching my dreams and everything I worked for over the 9 months dissipate and be flushed down the drains.

But that still isn't the hardest part.

Hubby and I have been struggling financially since the wedding. With his part time hours, and my part time hours, getting by has been tough. And as much as that has sucked, I was okay. Sure, we were living paycheck to paycheck, but we were getting by and that's okay.

Now is a completely different story, and it's terrifying. We knew it would be tight for the couple of weeks I was without work. But paychecks haven't been coming, and in six weeks I've brought in a whopping $400. Now, there's a chance my first pay from my contract job might be delayed until the following payday, three weeks from now. And things are tight. Tight enough that I'm not sure if we're going to be able to pay our bills this month.

And I'm having the hardest time trusting in God right now. My faith was shaken after things went sour at work. And as things continue to get more difficult, I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know if we're going to be okay. I don't know if we're going to make it.

I'm so scared. And I haven't admitted that to anyone. 

New beginnings...

I suppose it's a little amusing that only a few days after I shut down my former blog, I decided to forge ahead and start a new one.

I didn't end my other blog because of a lack of things to say. In terms of how much I want to write and blog, I have hundreds of blog ideas floating around in my head. The problem was that the followers I had, the people who were there on my blog didn't sign on to read what I was going to be blogging about. That blog was about discovering who I was, all my nerdy stuff, and adventures of being single and then trying to find love.

But that's not where I'm at anymore. The things I want to post about more often than not are about my married life, and house stuff; cooking and faith and being a wife. The geeky stuff will still be there, but not as much. And to me, that wasn't fair to the people who were following my blog before.

So here's to a fresh start. A new journey and a life moving forward.

I'm not where I ever that I would be at this point in my life, but that's okay. Because it's all part of the adventure, the ups, the downs, the best moments and the worst.

In the last year, since posting on my old blog died down, I've found a new career dream and pushed after it full throttle, gotten married, watched that career and all my dreams be crushed in front of me, learned that I am a fantastic cook, and started setting up my first home the way I like it.

I've met up with other bloggers who have become my best friends, found new friends in people I knew long ago and learned how to be comfortable in my own skin.

Who knows where this will take me. But wherever it is, I'm sure it will be great.