As I mentioned earlier, things have been really rough lately. Financially, career-wise, everything, and my faith has taken a hit harder than it has taken in a very, very long time.
Tonight, it took a turn for the worst. I haven't been able to trust God or to believe and hope that He will help us through any of this. I've been trying, but I just can't. I can't even utter the words in a song or a prayer 'I trust in You' because I know they're not true.
And then, hubby had the chance for full time at work. The church was praying for him, our families were praying for him. And I thought, baby steps, I can do this. So I trusted, and I prayed, and I believed. Hubby found out today that the department manager chose him, but was overruled because the other applicant had been working for the company longer.
I shattered. Completely.
I spent twenty minutes screaming about how trusting in God is stupidity and that God's not going to help us out. About how God isn't going to provide for us, and how I've waited 6 years for God to help me and get me on the right path and it hasn't happened. How we've trusted for two years that God would bring hubby full-time work and every opportunity that has presented itself has resulted in the door being slammed in our faces.
Thus far, I was just hurt. Hurt and broken. But now I'm angry. And what makes me even angrier is that no-one seems to really understand or wants to really understand or help me. I've spoken to a few Christian mentors, and they've all had the same answer 'Oh, just have faith dear and it will work out. Get over that hurdle by giving it over to God'. If it were that simple, or if I was capable of resolving it by doing that, I would have done it already.
I feel so alone, and I feel like there is no where to go or to get help. I can pray to God, but I can't bring myself to wait and listen to his reply. My heart stops in fear every time I think about going into His word, because I'm terrified of getting hurt again. I'm terrified that if my hopes are taken from me again, I won't be able to recover from it.
I don't know what to do, and I wish someone would stand up and help me instead of just preaching at me.
I'm not sure how old this post is, since your date setting isn't set to date but to hour, but I hope you have managed to open your Bible after you wrote it. My experience is that when you are in a crisis, God will come to you and if you open the Bible he will bless you with letting you find exactly what you need to read. That has been my experience over the years, at least.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't think I'm preaching. If anyone has struggled with faith, that's me... mainly because of other Christians who've hurt me. Just remember that God isn't like people. And nothing bad will happen if you're angry with him.
I hope you will feel better about this situation soon.
Hi Susanne,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words. I don't think you were preaching at all. The post was from a couple months ago, but I can't say that I am over the struggle yet. I am getting there though.
All I can say is that God understands your feelings and isn't mad at people who have questionings. I have been there and I know how it feels. I agree with Suzanne about the Bible. Blessings and love. xx
ReplyDeleteIt's easier to say "It'll get better" than done. Don't lose faith. It will honestly get better. I've definitely had my giant share of craziness and sure enough, it eventually turned out ok. The hard part is getting through it. It won't be the first nor, the last. He is there and has something incredible for your family. :)
ReplyDeletePS: Found you on 20SB