It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've posted, partially due to busyness and partially due to not knowing what to say. I felt like I was starting to beat a dead horse with my posts about my struggles, and chances are, I was.

Despite everything though, I found myself moved by the kindness of strangers -- of people, some of you on this blog, some from other places, who reached out and prayed for me and offered words of encouragement. Some didn't know my situation, others knew brief points of it, but yet stills, prayers were there without judgement.

One of the things that continues to amaze me about God and about the depth of His love for us is that even when we do not have faith, He still continues to provide and come through for us. My depression started to lift about a month ago. I went from crying myself to sleep every night to not having broken down in tears of desperation in weeks. 

I hit rock bottom about a month ago. I called my mom, and just didn't know what to do, what to think, how to get out of it. I felt trapped, strangled, stuck. My mom reminded me at that point that God still believes in us, even when we do not have faith in Him - His strength, His support, and His love are not restricted by our inability to return those gifts.

A week or so ago, I noticed that my anger towards God had begun to fade. I can't say I ever blamed Him for everything, but I was furious with Him for not doing anything about it. During that conversation with my mother, she pointed out something I hadn't considered, something that explained that anger and the depths that I had sunk to. 

With everything I've gone through over the last six years, I've always plowed through, hanging onto God and trusting that He would carry me through and things would work out. And then the last two years were like one swift blow of the hammer followed by the next. One after another. I stood strong, and I stood strong, and then after the last several blows, I crumbled. And when I crumbled, all the pain I had never dealt with, all the hurts and the fears triggered by the last six years finally caught up to me, making everything that much worse.

It's been a long journey, and it's going to continue to be one. But slowly, ever so slowly, I am finding my way back.